


with my feelings on fire

by consultingrogers



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Academy Era, First Kiss, M/M, Misunderstandings, mentions of jim/pike but it's a rumor, pining jim
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-23
Updated: 2017-08-23
Packaged: 2018-12-18 21:31:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11883225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/consultingrogers/pseuds/consultingrogers
Summary: {guess i'm a bad liar}Everyone thinks Jim is sleeping with his teacher. Little do they know, it's the TA he's got his eye on.





	with my feelings on fire

**Author's Note:**

> this is based off the music video for selena gomez's song 'bad liar' so i recommend watching that & listening to the song tbh

After two years at the academy, Jim was no stranger to rumors. It was hard  _not_ to talk about the infamous James T. Kirk, especially once it got out that he didn't complete a formal application until after freshman orientation. Most people assumed he got in with his father’s name alone, and they were half right, but it wasn't like he was dumb. He had one of the highest IQs in the nation, so he knew that he had a shot regardless of his family. It also didn't hurt that Christopher Pike, the only person in the world he had on his side no matter what, was an administrator and one of Jim's teachers. His close relationship with Pike also fueled countless disgusting rumors Jim didn't even want to think about.

So, he sucked it up. He dealt with people bumping into him in the halls, the whispers, the ugly looks. It happened in high school, and he wouldn't let it start bothering him now.

Once he took his seat in the front row of class, he eagerly waited for Pike to come out of his office. Jim knew he’d be followed by his assistant – the man Jim met in the shuttle, Leonard McCoy (though Jim called him Bones mentally).

Upon arrival, Leonard had become Jim's roommate and almost immediately gotten the assistant position under Pike. At first, Jim was happy to have a friend that wasn't his superior (technically) and who didn't pay attention to what other people said. Over time, deeper feelings threatened to crawl up his throat, but he swallowed them down and dismissed it as a reaction to having a friend. He's never had one before, so naturally he mistook the foreign relationship for attraction.

When the two men walked out and Jim felt his cheeks heat upon making eye contact with Leonard, he knew he was lying to himself. He also knew he was the cause of those frantic whispers behind him.

If they only knew who Jim was really blushing over.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The more Jim denied his feelings, the stronger they seemed to grow. It was almost like Leonard was purposefully doing things that drove Jim crazy. They've been friends long enough to feel comfortable changing in front of each other, but Jim has noticed Leonard going shirtless significantly more around their dorm. He started studying in the room, and Jim had to start going to the library to avoid staring at Leonard lick his lips every five minutes while he read. Jim discovered the worst new habit on accident one day: Leonard had begun to work out.

Jim had a long day of thinking about Leonard's steady hands instead of the diplomatic practices of Andorians, a common occurrence that was starting to affect his grades, and he decided he was fed up. He needed to hit something to release his pent-up frustration, so he made his way to the campus gym. It was a Friday night and the gym was typically empty, but soft grunts and the movement of metal attracted Jim’s attention when he walked in. When he saw who was on the lat pulldown machine, Jim thought he died and went to heaven.

  
There was his roommate, back facing Jim, pulling the bar down. His back muscles were flexing with each movement, and Jim could see it all because he was shirtless. He almost dropped his duffel bag at the sight, breath hitching in his throat. He knew Leonard was muscular, he was overly aware of that fact, but he never pictured him actually working out. He figured he was just naturally like that, which Jim now realized was a stupid thought. He wasn't aware he was staring for so long until the brunet stopped to drink some water and caught Jim's eye in the mirror. Jim gasped and bolted from the room, running all the way back across campus to their dorm.

Thankfully, he knew Leonard would go from the gym back to his shift at medical – who works out _in between_ work shifts? – so Jim wouldn't have to face him for a while. He was ashamed over how hot and bothered he was from the image of his roommate working out alone, and hated that he would probably only think about that from now on. Groaning, he flopped down on his bed and stared up at the ceiling.

"I have to tell him."

He rolled his eyes at himself, pushing his duffel bag off to fall on the floor, then curled up with his pillow. Jim knew he wasn't being subtle, he's caught himself staring at Leonard more times than he can count, but if Mr. "I notice everything, Jim, it's part of being a doctor" didn't see that Jim was obviously head over heels for him then... maybe he could just continue to admire from afar.

 

 

 

 

  
Jim's not sure when he fell asleep, but he woke up with his PADD open next to him and the sound of the door sliding open. He quickly pushed the tablet under his pillow and closed his eyes when the footsteps got closer.

"Jim?"

The lamp near his head switched on but Jim continued to feign sleep. He heard Leonard sigh and put his stuff down, the footsteps to the bathroom, then the closing of a door. Jim opened his eyes and pulled his tablet back out, biting his lip as he stared at the picture of him and Leonard he'd been looking at before he dozed off.

He wanted to savor that rare careless smile while he could.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jim was dying. Being the top of his class while trying to finish a four-year course in three years proved to be.... challenging, to say the least. He'd been somewhat struggling with his classes recently, but he was managing, until he remembered that he had finals coming up. He spent most of his time in the library now (with his two new friends: coffee and his PADD), and he had started wearing his glasses because his contacts had begun to burn his tired, irritated eyes. He was slacking recently, and he was angry he let himself get distracted with his stupid feelings. He only had three more finals, he was almost there, but he broke when Leonard sent him a message that simply said, "take a break." Easy for him to say, Leonard was the top in his pathology classes, and he only had to take two finals. Jim had 10 exams.

So, Jim hit his head on the table with a very loud thunk. He needed to talk, and he only had one person to go to.

After hurriedly packing his stuff up, Jim rushed to Pike's classroom. It was after hours but Jim knew he would be there, thankfully without Leonard. When he saw he was right, Jim pushed the door all the way open and panted a little.

"I'm in love with Bones."  
"You should take anatomy down the hall."  
"No – I mean, I love Leonard. As in Leonard McCoy."

That was the first time he's said it out loud, and he gulped afterwards. Pike raised an eyebrow but remained quiet. He set aside the PADD he was looking at to focus on Jim who stepped further inside the room after closing the door. He plopped down on the chair opposite of Pike and put his head in his hands, pushing his glasses back up the bridge of his nose.

"I'm in love with him, and it's starting to become a problem."

Pike leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms, furrowing his eyebrows. "How so?"

"I can't concentrate anymore. It's been almost seven months, and my grades are suffering because all I focus on is him. I told myself that I'm just trying to get used to this whole friendship thing, but I can't deny anymore that I just want to be with him."

Jim hadn't moved his face from his hands, tears stinging his already bloodshot eyes, but he heard the smile in Pike's voice when he spoke again. It only made him want to cry more.

"Never thought I'd see the day when Jim Kirk fell in love,” he said. “Why don't you just tell him how you feel?"

Jim scoffed and finally looked up to glare his watery eyes at his mentor.

"Of course. Why didn't I think of that?” Jim asks, sarcasm clear in his voice. “Oh yeah, maybe because he'll think I'm creepy and he'll hate my guts and then I will lose my best friend."

"Leonard's a good man, you know he wouldn't hate you. You're his best friend too, you know. Friendship goes two ways."

"Yeah, but that's it. We're friends. He probably doesn't want anything more than that. If I tell him and he rejects me, I will live with it, but the friendship will change forever!"

"What if he returns your feelings?"

"Don't mock me in my current state."

"I'm not, Jim." Pike sat forward, putting on what Jim calls his 'dad voice'. "Don't dismiss the possibility of someone returning your feelings just because you think they deserve better. I know that despite all your confidence, you're insecure inside, but you're one of the best men I know, Jim. On your way to greatness, even. Telling someone you love them is the biggest risk there is, but that's your specialty."

Jim clenched his teeth and looked down at his hands, willing his hot tears to go away. He hated when Pike was right. He nodded weakly, sniffling. A box of tissues appeared in front of his face, and he took one, wiping his eyes before blowing his nose.

"I'm... afraid."

"You're right to be. Love is a very frightening thing, son, but it'll all work out in the end."

Jim got rid of all the wetness on his face. He didn't care much about his bloodshot eyes; he could pass it off as exhaustion. He gave Pike a small smile as he stood up and Pike followed, gathering his own things to leave with him. When Pike was locking his office door, Jim looked at him for a long moment before taking a deep breath. He felt better after crying, and hearing the words he didn't know he needed to hear.

"I think I'll tell him tomorrow. Thanks... dad."

Jim was worried he overstepped his boundaries until Pike brought him in for a tight hug. He tensed briefly then closed his eyes and squeezed him back. If anyone saw them right now, there would be gossip galore, but he pushed that from his mind. For the first time in his life, he felt like everything would be okay regardless of the outcome.

Little did he know that Leonard watched the embrace from the classroom door but left before either of them could spot him.

 

 

 

 

  
Jim's stress melted away for the most part. He cried the majority of it out and was finally able to _breathe_. He even had a plan. Leonard should be at the dorm soon and Jim would maybe ask about his day or complain about how crazy finals week is. He'd catch up because it feels like it's been forever since he's had a real conversation with his roommate. Jim didn't have a final until three the next day and Leonard didn't have to work until two. He'd confess his feelings before that... somehow.

Feeling satisfied with his plan, Jim smiled to himself as he punched in his room code. Upon entering, however, he quickly realized that Leonard had his own plan. He was sitting on the edge of their couch, elbows resting on his knees, hands clasped together under his chin, and a thoughtful expression on his face. Jim knew he was in trouble in two ways, because that expression was hot and almost always aimed at him when he did something troubling.

"Hey, Bones. Whatcha doing?"

Jim set his bag on his bed and got some clothes to change into, awkwardly heading to the bathroom when his friend didn't answer. Once he changed out of his cadet reds, he placed them in the laundry chute and sat on his bed across from Leonard, waiting for him to speak with a raised eyebrow.

"Ya know we're friends, right? And ya can talk to me if ya need to?"

Jim's confusion was evident on his face, and he nodded. "Of course. Same for you."

"I hear the talk and I don't believe one bit of what’s said, ya know that too, right?"

Jim visibly tensed. He hasn’t brought it up ever since Jim came home bloodied up over a rumor only to break down while Leonard patched him up. That was the last time they ever mentioned cadet gossip to each other that didn't have to do with teachers or new programs. He knew Leonard still defended him against everyone's words but... does that mean that he knew the rumors about him and Pike? Or about him and Leonard himself? Jim responded with a nod, forcing himself to not cry again.

"If ya... I don't know why ya been avoidin' me like the plague but I just... want ya to know that I'm still yer friend no matter what."

"I'm not avoiding you. I've just been...busy."

Leonard shook his head. "Jim, yer a bad liar."

Jim's breathing picked up, and he looked away from his friend. Pike was wrong. This isn't working out at all. This felt like exactly what Jim didn't want.

"Look, Jim... I've seen a lot of things in my life, I know when someone's got a secret. I was waitin' for ya to tell me when yer ready but... I just can't wait anymore. Ya could've told me if you were messin' around with Pike, alright. I wouldn't judge..."  
Jim was too shocked to catch the disappointed tone, standing up to glare at Leonard.

"Pike's like my fucking dad! I know everyone likes to talk about how the only way I could've gotten here without an application is by screwing someone, but it's actually because Pike was helping me get out of a bad place and he pulled some strings. I thought I told you that! God, I've done some things I'm not proud of but... I would never do that."

Jim was pacing in front of Leonard now, wiping away his angry tears as fast as they could fall while trying to keep his glasses up at the same time.

"I didn't mean to get ya all riled up... I just started noticin' ya always blush in Pike's class and ya haven't been hangin' out lately and tonight I saw ya--"

"Saw me what? Hug Pike? Am I not allowed to talk to the only person who's ever gave a damn about me? As for everything else... god, you're so oblivious. Everyone here is oblivious."

Jim's voice broke as he realized this was it. He couldn't spill his soul in the way he'd planned. He's been forced to do it with tears running down his bright red cheeks and snot dripping from his nose. He collapsed back on his bed and focused on the ceiling, calming himself so at least his voice would be steady.

"It's you. It's all you, Bones. I... Well fuck, I'm in love with you. And I didn't know what to do besides distance myself, but it's so hard when you're everywhere. You're in my room, my thoughts, my classes. My whole body gets tingly when you smile or look at me, and it's starting to really mess with my studies. So there, it's out. I'm sorry for springing it on you but I'd rather you know than think I’m screwing my teacher and father figure, which is gross and that's my least favorite rumor about me."

Jim's tension didn't go away but his body deflated against the bed as all the weight from carrying this secret was lifted. He turned his head toward the door, fully expecting to see Leonard leaving. He didn't expect for him to laugh, which made Jim sit back up. He watched with furrowed eyebrows and a pout as Leonard began to laugh hysterically. When he seemed to be done, Jim crossed his arms and sniffled, still pouring.

"This is the second time my feelings have been laughed at in an hour and I really don't appreciate it."

Leonard wiped a tear from his eye then sat back, way more relaxed then Jim had ever seen him. He had a big grin on his face. Jim wanted to punch it off.

"I don't see what's so funny."

"What's funny is I thought I did something wrong or ya were sneaking around with Pike when this whole time, ya were just in love with me! Why didn't ya just say so?"

Jim still wasn't laughing. He huffed and looked down, chewing on his lip. He shrugged and jiggled his leg nervously, feeling like he wanted to cry again.

"Jim... My god, Jim. I think I've loved ya since I first saw ya. It's kinda hard not to."

"Yeah well tell that to everyone that hates me... wait, did you just say you loved me?" Jim blinked away his tears and looked up at Leonard just in time to see him nodding.

"Yes, darlin', I did. I love ya so much, it's a little annoyin'. I never said anythin' because, well.... I don't really have much to offer ya."

Jim quickly stood and crossed the short distance from the bed to the couch, taking both of Leonard's hands in his own. "Don't ever say that again. You're everything to me, Bones... Leonard."

Jim's heart was pounding against his rib cage when Leonard's eyes focused on his lips. They were slightly swollen from chewing on them so much in one day, and Jim licked them out of habit. He could feel himself get closer, but it was Leonard who closed the space between them to gently press his lips against Jim's. Jim sighed into it and kissed back, moving one hand to hold onto Leonard's arm as the other man caressed his cheek. This was everything Jim dreamed of and better. He pulled away suddenly, bringing both hands to Leonard's face, and looked at him for a long time.

"What? What is it?" Leonard asked, eyebrows furrowed.

"I knew when you stared at me, you weren't just marveling at my stupidity,” Jim chuckled. “Those were your exact words every time, which was rude by the way, but you're a bad liar too."

Leonard just rolled his eyes and pressed their lips together again, wasting no time and introducing his tongue while leaning Jim backwards to hover over him on the sofa. Jim supposed he could forgive him if he kissed him like this from now on.

**Author's Note:**

> edited by the amazing loml [madison](http://mccoysbi.tumblr.com) so ty for saving my life


End file.
